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Insecure attachment in relationship & trauma therapy

Updated: Nov 4, 2023



The avoidant attachment style is one of the three insecure attachment styles described in attachment theory. The three types of insecure attachment styles in adults are described as anxious (worried), avoidant (rejecting) and disorganised (anxious-avoidant).

The vast majority of the population has a rejecting, avoidant attachment style. People develop different types of attachment styles in relation to their caregivers over the course of their childhood.


Someone with a rejecting-avoidant attachment style responds to triggers with an escape and freeze response when the nervous system is activated.

They often have many unconscious wounds, that make the person quickly feel trapped, stuck or controlled when they are in a relationship. In addition they often feel defective on the inside, unable to express their vulnerability, and lack healthy coping mechanisms for emotional moments - and therefore feel unable to fulfil the needs of others. They often can't show their love to their partner, or tolerate closeness and conflict in an intimate relationship. "I don't know why I shut myself off. I don't know why I freeze and run away, I don't know what to say and do or how to deal with my strong feelings." An avoidant, rejecting person reacts to a trigger by first freezing and then fleeing from the conflict scenario. An anxious person instead acts out their trauma reaction through an increased need for contact, intensive caring for the other person or "anxious clinging".


Both patterns create a difficult relationship dynamic all insecure attachment patterns are not helpful in relationships. Ideally, everyone should learn to regulate their nervous system and heal trauma. "The brain is capable of doing this", but most people lack the "right tools". And this is where I want to invite you to somatic-based inquiry and psychosomatic body-therapy. My combination of tradditional Shiatsu bodywork and modern trauma techniques can help to provide a safe framework for your nervous system for deep empathic healing.

For each of us the path of healing will be an individual journey to embracing our authentic selves. And this is ultimately the most important foundation for a healthy and authentic relationship with our partner.

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